Speeding Dopplers: 

Take the Storm Season Quiz

David Chartrand
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Severe weather is upon us. It's not a time to take lightly. It’s time for SPIT —  the Storm Profile Intelligence Test.

 • What is Doppler Radar?

(a) It is used by traffic cops to catch speeding dopplers

(b) A 1990s grunge band

(c) A weather tracking service used byvirtually all television stations to ensure that if one forecast is wrong all of them are wrong.

Which of the following is not a real meteorological term:

a. inversion

b. mucus

c. vermin

e. baccalaureate


A very loud outdoor siren means:

(a) Tornado Warning

(b) Tomato Warning

(c) Tax Increase Warning


If the National Weather Service announces that tornadoes are on the ground near you it means:

(a) Tornadoes are on the ground near you.

(b) It’s safe to go driving around witha camera to see if tornadoes are really on the ground near you.

(c) It depends on what they mean by the “on the ground.”


 • What is the different between a “Tornado Watch” and a “Tornado Warning”

(a) Tornado watches are worn on the wrist.

(b) There’s a difference? 

During severe snowstorms your car should:

(a) Follow other vehicles at a distance roughly equal to five football fields

(b) Follow other vehicles at a distance roughly equal to 500 miles.

(c) Be left in the garage.

If your car breaks down in a snow blizzard, use a cell phone to notify:

(a)   The highway patrol

(b)   A local radio talk show

(c)   Your next of kin


• While driving in a rainstorm, you approach an intersection so inundated by floodwater that the tops of telephone poles can barely be seen protruding from the surface. You should:

(a) Put the pedal to the floor and race straight ahead, yelling, “YAHOOOO!!”

(b) Wait until it’s apparent that seven other cars have been sucked under the water. Then, after looking both ways, carefully determine that just because those cars didn’t make it, there’s no reason why yours won’t.


• If you live in a lowland that floods every year  it is perfectly reasonable for you to:

(a) Refuse to move out of the floodplain and demand that taxpayers repair your home after each flood

(b) Act totally surprised when a television reporter asks you if you’ve ever heard of flood insurance


After a severe windstorm, your fallen tree limbs should be:

1. Dragged out to the street and shot with a rifle

2. Neatly folded, placed in a No. 10 envelope and mailed to City Hall.  Warning: Post Officewill not deliver without postage

3. Put back where they came from


Which of the following is not recognized by the National Weather Service as an official hail size:

(a) Softball size

(b) Zucchini size

(c) Labrador Retriever size


• If you are on the golf course when golf ball-sized hail begins to fall, what should you do?

(a) Play the one closest to the tee

(b) Keep your head down on your follow-through

(c) Take cover in the clubhouse and order a double doppler on the rocks


If a lightning bolt strikes the ground near you:

(a) Put down the beer and climb down slowly off the John Deere

(b) Stand in a doorway

(c) Kiss someone who is standing in a doorway


“Dew Point” is:

(a) The opposite of “do not point”

(b) The temperature at which fallen tree limbs spontaneously vaporize

(c) The first stage of flash flooding


 • Where do television weather forecasters go for fun?

ANSWER: We can’t imagine. However, if you rearrange the letters in “meteorologist” it spells “to motel orgies.”  This is only a theory.


If you believe a funnel cloud is headed toward your house, the National Weather Service recommends that you:

(a) Get a second opinion

(b) Immediately shut down the garage sale

(c) Post a FOR SALE sign